Week 4 of NFL madness

 Alright, you impatient degenerates, we’re back at it for Week 4 of NFL madness. Yeah, I missed a week—deal with it. Life happens, sometimes you’re buried under a mountain of chaos, and sometimes, well, you just need a break from your constant bullshit. But here we are, back in the thick of it. Let’s dive into the carnage that was Week 4.

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Dallas Cowboys 20, New York Giants 15

So the Cowboys squeaked one out against the New York "Can't Win a Game to Save Their Life" Giants. Daniel Jones threw for 281 yards, but it didn’t matter 'cause his team still can’t figure out how to finish a game. Rico Dowdle rushed for a whopping 46 yards. Dude’s out here running like he’s got bricks for shoes, but hey, a win's a win. Giants WR Malik Nabers grabbed 115 yards, which is cool and all, but let's be honest: when the rest of your team can’t get it together, you're just stat padding.

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New Orleans Saints 24, Atlanta Falcons 26

You’d think the Saints would have this one in the bag, but nope, Younghoe Koo decided to stomp all over New Orleans’ hopes with the longest field goal of his career. Derek Carr slung 239 yards, but Kamara’s 77 rushing yards didn’t hit hard enough. Chris Olave racked up 87 receiving yards, but all that work still came up short. Sorry Saints fans, guess the dirty birds just had more fight in them.

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Cincinnati Bengals 34, Carolina Panthers 24

Joe Burrow showed up like the king of Cincinnati with 232 passing yards, while the Panthers’ D felt like they were playing touch football. Hubbard ran for 104 yards for Carolina, but it wasn’t enough to keep pace with Burrow and his boys. Ja’Marr Chase kept it steady with 85 receiving yards, just another day in the office for him.

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Los Angeles Rams 18, Chicago Bears 24

Matt Stafford threw for 224 yards, but couldn’t do squat when it mattered most. Kyren Williams gave a decent 94 yards on the ground, and Tutu Atwell snagged 82 yards receiving, but let’s be real: The Rams are like that dude at the bar who’s still talking tough after getting his ass handed to him—just take the L and move on. The Bears, surprisingly, didn’t totally suck, but I’m sure they’ll find a way back to mediocrity soon enough.

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Pittsburgh Steelers 24, Indianapolis Colts 27

Fields for the Steelers threw for 312 yards. Impressive? Sure. But when Jonathan Taylor hits the Colts for 88 rushing yards and the game’s on the line, Pittsburgh got steamrolled. Fields' big day meant jack when it came to W's. Even with a couple of tied receivers at 113 yards each, the Colts punched their ticket to victory while Pittsburgh’s still trying to figure out how to close out games.

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Minnesota Vikings 31, Green Bay Packers 29

Talk about a nail-biter. The Vikings almost shit the bed after jumping out early, but managed to hang on and beat Green Bay. Jordan Love went off for 389 yards for the Packers, almost pulling off the comeback. But sorry, Packers fans—almost doesn’t count for shit in this league. Alexander Mattison ran for 93 yards, and Justin Jefferson had 112 receiving yards to keep the Vikings breathing just long enough to steal it.

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Jacksonville Jaguars 20, Houston Texans 24

CJ Stroud came in hot, slinging for 345 yards while the Jags just couldn't keep up. Bigsby ran for 90 yards like he was stuck in second gear, and the Texans’ Nico Collins pulled off 151 yards receiving like it was nothing. Good luck to anyone facing Houston moving forward—looks like they’re here to make some noise.

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Denver Broncos 10, New York Jets 9

Yeah, you read that right. TEN. to. NINE. This game was a trainwreck. Aaron Rodgers threw for 225 yards, but still couldn’t find the damn end zone enough times to beat Russell "Let’s Ride…to Another Loss" Wilson and the Broncos. Denver’s Javonte Williams ran for 77 yards, while Garrett Wilson could only muster 67 yards receiving. What a snoozefest.

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Philadelphia Eagles 16, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 33

If you're a Philly fan, this game had to feel like taking a sledgehammer to the face. Baker Mayfield looked like he was playing a video game, throwing for 347 yards and putting the Eagles defense on blast. Mike Evans caught 94 yards worth of balls like he was stealing lunch money. Meanwhile, Saquon Barkley rushed for 84 yards, but the Eagles' offense felt like a car that couldn’t shift out of first gear.

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Washington Commanders 42, Arizona Cardinals 14

The Cardinals might as well have stayed home. Washington smoked them, dropping 42 points like it was a preseason scrimmage. Daniels threw for 233 yards and Zaccheaus hauled in 85 yards receiving. James Conner ran for 104 yards for the Cards, but that’s like being the tallest dude at a midget convention. Washington made Arizona look like an absolute joke.

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New England Patriots 13, San Francisco 49ers 30

The Patriots got absolutely clapped by the 49ers. Brock Purdy threw for 288 yards, and J.P. Mason ran over the Pats for 123 rushing yards. The only thing New England had going for them was their fans’ ability to shut up about it. Jennings led the 49ers in receiving with 88 yards, and the Patriots are officially back to being irrelevant.

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Cleveland Browns 16, Las Vegas Raiders 20

Deshaun Watson threw for 176 yards, but the Browns offense was looking as dull as unbuttered toast. Mattison’s 60 rushing yards for the Raiders were barely enough, but it got the job done. Cleveland, once again, can’t figure out if they want to be a team worth watching or just show up to fill a time slot.

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Kansas City Chiefs 17, Los Angeles Chargers 10

Mahomes did Mahomes things, throwing for 245 yards, and Travis Kelce, fresh off his Taylor Swift tour, added 89 receiving yards. It wasn’t pretty, but they took down the Chargers, who seemed like they’d rather be somewhere else. Seriously, where’s the fight?

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Buffalo Bills 10, Baltimore Ravens 35

I saved the best for last, baby! The Ravens straight-up embarrassed the Bills. Josh Allen only managed 180 yards passing before the Baltimore defense sent him packing. Derrick Henry turned into a beast with 199 rushing yards, and Hill grabbed 78 receiving yards. The Ravens are coming in hot, and the rest of the league should be nervous as hell.